Hello March, I thought you'd never come

As I was adding Brock's adoption interview to our calendar this week, my eyes slowly scanned the rest of the week. At first it was empty, no big events or obligations until I came to Friday, March 18. There, in green glared, "Due Date!." My eyes didn't move as I felt my insides tighten and tears fill my eyes. I was taken back to a naivety about my life I no longer posses and a time my reality was simpler.

I accused the Universe of cruelty; the baby was gone, but the green 'due date' remained all these months as if no miscarriage had taken place and in some alternate, cyber universe, my baby was still coming.

Almost nine months ago The Hubs and I were sharing the news of our pregnancy with his family. It seemed so ordinary at the time. We were pregnant. We've been pregnant. Women get pregnant all the time. My father-in-law complained March seemed so far away. Now it seems almost like a dream.

After my first miscarriage I read everything I could about them. I read women sometimes feel sad at their due date. This seemed normal, but I remember thinking it wouldn't apply to me. I thought I would either be pregnant again by then, or I would have moved beyond grief.

Unfortunately the thought, "You're still not pregnant," plagues my mind everyday, but I am doing better at not letting it linger. I feel it and then move on. I still feel hopeful for the future. I am learning more and more about myself all the time and realize this is simply something I must go through and know it will continue to better me. Strangely, in some ways, I am grateful. However, guilt creeps in upon wondering why the rest of my family has to suffer. Surely Boo is not learning anything from not receiving his baby he so badly wants.

During one of my many bouts of loathsome, infertile self-pitty, The Hubs a.k.a Saint Hubs, declared I have already made him the happiest man in the world and he needs nothing more. Right then and there every doubt I had ever had about our relationship was relinquished. He is and has always been the man for me and he is the best decision I have ever made. This experience has made us closer, indeed.

So for reasons of which I am not quite certain, the green 'due date' remains. Maybe to remind myself of my ultimate goal which is to parent another child, maybe to defeat those painful feelings, or maybe I am simply a masochist, I have no idea.

I took this picture the other day, excited at the sight of budding, beautiful life. I thought it ironic how beauty is so often found amidst adversity. Becoming who you are and reaching your potential is a struggle for everyone and everything.