Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hello March, I thought you'd never come

As I was adding Brock's adoption interview to our calendar this week, my eyes slowly scanned the rest of the week. At first it was empty, no big events or obligations until I came to Friday, March 18. There, in green glared, "Due Date!." My eyes didn't move as I felt my insides tighten and tears fill my eyes. I was taken back to a naivety about my life I no longer posses and a time my reality was simpler.

I accused the Universe of cruelty; the baby was gone, but the green 'due date' remained all these months as if no miscarriage had taken place and in some alternate, cyber universe, my baby was still coming.

Almost nine months ago The Hubs and I were sharing the news of our pregnancy with his family. It seemed so ordinary at the time. We were pregnant. We've been pregnant. Women get pregnant all the time. My father-in-law complained March seemed so far away. Now it seems almost like a dream.

After my first miscarriage I read everything I could about them. I read women sometimes feel sad at their due date. This seemed normal, but I remember thinking it wouldn't apply to me. I thought I would either be pregnant again by then, or I would have moved beyond grief.

Unfortunately the thought, "You're still not pregnant," plagues my mind everyday, but I am doing better at not letting it linger. I feel it and then move on. I still feel hopeful for the future. I am learning more and more about myself all the time and realize this is simply something I must go through and know it will continue to better me. Strangely, in some ways, I am grateful. However, guilt creeps in upon wondering why the rest of my family has to suffer. Surely Boo is not learning anything from not receiving his baby he so badly wants.

During one of my many bouts of loathsome, infertile self-pitty, The Hubs a.k.a Saint Hubs, declared I have already made him the happiest man in the world and he needs nothing more. Right then and there every doubt I had ever had about our relationship was relinquished. He is and has always been the man for me and he is the best decision I have ever made. This experience has made us closer, indeed.

So for reasons of which I am not quite certain, the green 'due date' remains. Maybe to remind myself of my ultimate goal which is to parent another child, maybe to defeat those painful feelings, or maybe I am simply a masochist, I have no idea.

I took this picture the other day, excited at the sight of budding, beautiful life. I thought it ironic how beauty is so often found amidst adversity. Becoming who you are and reaching your potential is a struggle for everyone and everything.

Knickers or Trousers- "Mommy Blog"

11 comments:

tinkerbelle86 said...

this blog gave me shivers. what a wonderful story, however heartbreaking, as you have an amazing family :)

lacy said...

Loved this. Thank you.

B-Blogit said...

awesome I am glad you have a good hubs! You both seem great to me to help each other through that challenge!

Love the photo and love the positive spirit about it! You are awesome!

cindy said...

oh i love you guys.kiss my little boofor me

Tiffanie said...

Kelli!!!!! I have been so bad at blogging and have finally read your blog after some time only to feel this deep pain for my dear friend who is dealing with this hard trial. I'm so sorry! I know things will work out for you. Miracles happen every day and you are no exception!!!! I love reading your blog. Your writing is beautiful.... Just like you!

Nick and Whit said...

You are such a special person, Kelli. I have no doubt that all your questions will be answered and what you want is in your reach. I am so happy and grateful that you are sharing your trials. Keep that beautiful smile on your face! You have many supporters that love you!

Eight years and counting said...

Your blog is completely touching. I struggled to have children- first after having had breast cancer we weren't sure that we'd ever get pregnant. Then when we did, I was put on bed rest at 15 weeks after almost loosing the baby- but I didn't. He came seven and half week early, but he came.
We did miscarry our second child- almost as soon as I felt that excitement build, my plans for the future were washed away.
Our second son did arrive. It was a struggle. We consulted with fertility specialists and I changed my diet. I did anything and everything. I couldn't get pregnant.
Then I did, when we least expected it.
All I can say is you're not alone.

S

http://weddedblisster.blogspot.com/

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Jessica said...

Thank you for sharing your experience - love the blog (I found you from CLW). I had a miscarriage more than 9 years ago, and it was a rather unwanted pregnancy in the first place. And it still hurts. I think it just stays with you. I have found so much healing through my son, who is now 14 months old. No problems with the second pregnancy. He brings joy to my life every day. We are also considering adoption and foster care for future children.
I blog about being a work-at-home mom at http://workfromhomestar.com/wfhs-blog.html.

love.boxes said...

On wednesday I went to lunch with a dear friend and held her newly adopted daughter Charlotte in my arms. How I love her! I am so glad that she is finally here. We smiled until our faces hurt. It was a great day. I know days like this are in your future.. hang in. It's worth the wait.

Cristy said...

You are such an amazing writer. I can almost feel what you are feeling. I love Brock! I am so glad you have each other.

Credit: Header photos by Jessica Kettle Photography.