Saturday, February 26, 2011

Just call me Uni

A couple of months ago I received some news. News that could potentially turn my life upside down. And in some ways it did. I adjourned blogging about such news, wondering if it was too personal...even for me. It's not often I run into such predicaments.

I came to a conclusion, however. Openness is key. It is freedom. We spend too much of our lives building a facade of perfection. We want everyone to believe we have it all together. Our children are always well groomed, our houses spotless, our makeup always applied, our marriages flawless.

Well there may be a select few of you out there who actually are perfect. You're reading this in your immaculate home, while cooking a gourmet meal, after a long day of volunteer work at your local children's hospital. Your kids are calmly playing a board game at your feet and your husband has just finished the taxes, cleaned the bathroom, mowed the lawn, fixed the leaky faucet and is now rubbing your shoulders. If this is you, stop reading. As for the rest of us, let's be real. And I'll start...

Hello my name is Kelli and I have a unicornate uterus. Or as some like to call it, and my personal favorite, unicorn uterus. No it doesn't mean I have magical powers. If this were true I would be spouting out children by the dozens. It is quite the opposite, really. It means I have been walking around with only half of a uterus since, forever. It means getting pregnant is hard and keeping it is even harder...

Um, I already knew that. So now I have no babies AND only half a uterus. Yay! AND, it's rare! So rare, in fact, Blogger's spell check doesn't even recognize it. Unicornate, Blogger. U-ni-corn-ate.

Finding this out about myself was quite surreal. I had a child for Heaven's sake! Without even trying! Conceived five months after being married! Miracle you ask? Yes. Absolute miracle and not only because he was able to grow from an egg into a human in half the space as your average Joe.

Upon receiving this news, I felt like myself, but completely different. A uterus is a pretty important organ. For mothers and wannabe mothers, it's right up there on the list next to your heart. So what was I going to do with this information? I sobbed, of course. And sobbed some more. And then my sister called and I sobbed again. My entire existence was surrounded around being a mom. I LOVE being a mom. What was I going to do if I couldn't have more babies? That was the question. Some days it still is the question.

After a looooooooong weekend, (I found this out the day before Christmas Eve on a Friday. Doctor's don't work the week of Christmas, in case anyone was wondering), I was able to sit down with my OB and talk about the future of my unicorn. He reassured me it was still quite possible to get pregnant and carry the baby to full term. Obviously. But it's harder. Miscarriages are imminent and the statistics skyrocket for pre-term labor. However, knowing it wasn't hopeless was a big relief.

After almost a year-and-a-half of trying to conceive completely in the dark, (figuratively and literally) I ironically found solace in the verdict. I was able to accept what I had been given and move forward. It isn't a complete unknown anymore and I know now what I am dealing with.

Courage and determination which seemed lost filled my heart again and a door opened. A very unexpected door, but an exciting one.

I will share with you a little later because The Hubs has been waiting for me to watch a movie for about an hour now. He is sitting next to me and has collapsed face first onto his book. Poor The Hubs.

To be continued!!


Briawna said...

Isn't it ironic that identifying our problem somehow makes it more manageable...after the sobbing for a few weeks, of course, and intermittently throughout the rest of the month. I have yet to figure out why that is the case. Is it the devil you know versus the devil you don't? I have no answers, just lots of questions and imperfections. I think every woman has some issue with motherhood, whether it's getting pregnant, staying pregnant, hard deliveries, no milk, colicky babies, baby fat taking up permanent residence in your thighs. Hang in there. But we love those babies so enjoy your miracle boy and your unicorn. :-) (which is a much more fun term to call it than a uterus anyway, right?).

lacy said...

Oh Kelli. Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry. You have such a great way of putting things that make me laugh. Especially about conceiving in the dark...gross!

Heather - said...

The cliche "knowledge is power" is true, I guess. Even if the prognosis is scary, it's better to know what you're up against, at least that's what I've found in my own life.
And thank you for being honest, and for portraying your not-so-perfectness with poise and humor. You have a gift :) My life is so not perfect, and I like knowing that I'm not the only one...wait, does that make me sound bitter? :)
Anyways, I'm so sorry for all of your heartache and suffering, but I'm excited to hear about your new opportunity!
I think you're awesome :)

Anna said...

Now I can't wait to see the "to be continued" part!

And I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It's so hard when your own body is keeping you from realizing your dreams. It really makes you appreciate the miracles.

(Also, my sister has a bicornate uterus--she has two! Too bad she can't share with you. :))

Veronica Lee said...

Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog.
Have a nice day!

Brittney said...

Just so you know, I am now going to start stalking your blog on a regular basis. Love the honesty. Love you guys!

Molly Rivera said...

Wow Kells, Thanks so much for sharing! I have always loved your honesty and down to earth ("real") personality! I think that is why people are so drawn to you and become so close to you!
You are just killing me with this to be continued business!! Get back on your computer girl!!

Oh, BTW- I wanted to see you so bad while I was in Utah last week. One of the reasons I decided to go down for a week was I thought I could get together with you. But instead I spent every waking (and sleeping) minute wiping green goupy snot, controlling fevers, and cleaning up throw up. Jackson got so, so sick and I didn't leave the house for 5 days. Ugh. Seriously want to see you soon!

Alicia said...

What the heck?! You can't leave my hanging like that. Maybe that's fair in the unicorn world, but I'm on pins and needles here!! Tell me what new opportunity you have up your sleeves. Anyway, I'm so glad you blogged this. You know, we just don't get the lives we imagined, huh? I am going through a tough time financially and health wise and depression wise. Mostly the health effects my depression. Anyway, not at all to draw attention to my problems, just wanting to let you know that although I can't understand how you must feel, I can relate to disappointment. Don't rule out the unicorn, though. You had 1 baby, it can happen again. Grey needs to know at some point what a blessing his life really is. He is a miracle baby. That is really neat. Love you, Kelli.

Brittany said...

Kelli my friend, I am so sorry about all of this. Honestly, you are one amazing lady. Our prayers are with you and your unicorn so that you can make another one of those perfect children aka Grey. Love love love you and yours...and by yours I mean your unicorn. :-)

Kathleen said...


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Sandy Elliott said...

Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately, fertility issues strikes so many women. I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation and I hope it all resolves itself satifactory.

I'm a new follower from the MBC. Thanks for visiting my site. Sandy

Morela said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this post. Sometimes putting a name on things is the first step to managing them.

Anonymous said...

New to the MBC Blog Hop. Following you now and I hope you will visit and follow back! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

New to the MBC Blog Hop. Following you now and I hope you will visit and follow back! Thanks!

Reedu said...

Very interesting. Blogger is not the only one to not know what it is. I am sorry to hear about your half uterus and am hoping you will able to give that gorgeous boy of yours a brother or sister.

Veronica Lee said...

Hi again! Swinging by once more to follow you on GFC.

Happy Sunday!

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