Sunday, August 22, 2010


Tonight, my room is filled with the music of hundreds of crickets, panic-stricken to find a mate before summer draws to an end. The air feels cooler and the days a little shorter, each hinting that the end of summer is closing in. It's always sad to see summer go, even with the excitement of the new season approaching. The lazy days at the pool, afternoons on the grass with melting popsicles in hand, barbecues and camping trips. They all will soon be a thing of the past.

Change is hard for me and I always seem to get the summertime blues as August fades. My sister-in-law is moving away to college for the first time, along with my brother-in-law, leaving their parents with heavy hearts and nostalgic feelings. These events are inevitable and commonplace at the end of summer for many families, but have left me with all sorts of different emotion and thoughtfulness. Each stage of our lives is exciting and heartbreaking at times. Starting a family, hopeful, excited and at times terrified. We welcome beautiful, new babies into our home, then down the road say goodbye as they embark on their own adventures.

With the end of summer, my one-year mark of trying to conceive is approaching. Twelve months ago, this September we naively began to try for a baby. One year later, I am still at square one. No baby and a failed pregnancy. This is a lonely and frustrating feeling. I visualize my baby, and feel homesick for it. A literal homesickness that I have felt for my own family in the past. I had a moment today of self-pity, wondering why so many people around me are being blessed with multiple children and I am left waiting and desperately wanting.

My Father-in-law thoughtfully said to me, "Make sure you enjoy every day" hinting that time goes by fast and I only have a little while with my baby. Remembering his words, I lay down with my Boo tonight and breathed him in; all his goodness and wonderfulness. My heart became full again. I told him I loved him and with his eyes closed he nuzzled into his pillow and responded with his tiny, sleepy voice, "Yuv you too, Mommy." Those words and his tiny body in my arms made me feel so grateful for the love that I have, even if I do have so much more love to give.


Candida Marie said...

so lovely in it's grief and joy. know what you mean about allowing the one you have to make feel full. sometimes i get overwhelmed with my feelings for sienna. they get stronger with every day that passes and no elena and no other baby growing in me.

Brittany said...

Oh Kelli, I'm so sorry. Leave it to you to always appreciate all and everybody that you have. Although that doesn't make the pain of wanting another sweet one to hold go away completely, it is nice to hear those sweet "Love you too, Mommy" words to help your yearning heart. All my love and my prayers go to you tonight my friend.

love.boxes said...

Kelli, I hope all your dreams will come true.

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