During a car ride to the park the other day:

Grey: "Mom, Dad said if we buy a chimp, we have to get rid of a brother."
Me: "Oh yeah? Well that would be a hard decision."
Grey: "I already made it."
Me: "What did you decide?"
Grey: "I'd trade in Charlie."
Me: "Charlie? Why Charlie?"
Grey: "Because he's too messy."
Me: "I think a chimp would be messier."
Grey: "No way, mom. Chimps are smarter than babies. Plus Charlie's happy about it. See? He's smiling."
Me: "I don't think he knows what you're talking about."
Charlie: "Chimp, Mom."
Me: Too busy laughing to reply.

Minutes later I looked into my rear-view window and noticed Grey cuddling close to Charlie's car seat, holding his hand.

Me: "That is so cute that you're holding hands. See you could never trade Charlie in for a chimp. You love him too much."
Grey with a roll of the eyes: "Just don't tell anyone, Mom." 

(He won't read this until he's way older and forgot I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone. :)

Trust Yourself

What happens when you find yourself in a situation you've never met and you don't know how to cope?

In my experience, I seek my husband, my mom, my sisters, my dad and God. Almost anyone but myself. I've realized, in my 29 years, all the life experience I have, I've shelved. I've taught myself that things I've learned, I must not understand as well as another. The impressions I have are brushed aside as desires and mere thoughts, not inspiration.

For example, as a mother, I worry about ruining my kids' lives when I make parenting mistakes. Mothering is bundled with guilt, worry, inadequacy, self doubt and a million other detrimental emotions, which at times, seem to highlight my shortcomings. Sound familiar?

I find myself constantly seeking advice and approval. Logically, who knows my children better than I do? No one. Who knows myself better than me? No one, save God. Therefore, advice from others should be secondary and should not trump my own impressions. 

Constantly seeking advice from others can become a slippery slope. Slowly we begin to lose our agency and lose the gifts God purposefully gave us. Eventually we give up our birthright which is to, "Reach the measure of your existence," according to psychologist, Dr. Rick. 

The impressions we realize within ourselves can become our most important resources for not only peace and self-worth, but in almost every aspect of our lives, spiritually and temporally. When we begin to practice our agency with confidence we understand better who we are and who we were always meant to become. We will begin to sharpen our most important instincts and realize the answers to most of our questions have always been inside us, "between your right ear and your left," according to Dr. Rick.

Relying too much upon the counsel of others, even those more experienced and in positions of authority, can be detrimental to our personal progress. I am learning I am my biggest ally, but my worst critic and am capable of much more than I give myself credit. I was born with sharp instincts which have dulled over time because I have failed to use them. 

I am working toward trusting myself and listening more closely to my impressions.
Nothing worthwhile can be attained forthwith.

Sanity? Who Needs It

My days are measured in naps, none of which are mine.

The last six months have been - oh what's the word - a blur, crazy, foggy, hilarious, loud, almost as if I'm living someone's idea of a good joke, exhausting, messy...

Having two babies under one year old, but not quite twins, unless you're Irish, makes it hard to do anything else but keep babies alive. That's right. That pretty much sums it up.
# "Irish Twins"are siblings born 11 months apart, for those of you who are in a constant state of fog too


When The Hubs gets home and it appears I've done nothing all day because I haven't showered or gotten dressed, the house is a complete disaster, the kids are running around in diapers or the pajamas in which they slept the night before, dinner is sitting out as a half thawed ball of hamburger due to a single moment of clarity with aspirations to cook it later, I lie sprawled out on the couch covered in spit up, baby toys and Bug's half eaten snack with a small tick of my eye, I developed soon after Baby Boo was born he asks, "What did you do today?" Poor soul. Heaven help him. I yell, "I kept your kids ALIVE today! You're welcome!"

He's learned since then it's better not to ask questions, but instead, mention how beautiful I look. That greasy hair and sweats have always been his "thing" and he's always secretly hoped his house was messy because he doesn't have to open drawers to find things or go upstairs to get socks. How convenient! And clothes and children have never been synonmous. They are born naked, for Heaven sakes! Why should we change what God intended? And dinner? Nah! He's usually in the mood for cereal when he gets home from work.


That's better, The Hubs. You can live now.

So many of my hobbies/everything that doesn't include surviving, has taken a back seat while I have been raising/keeping my kids alive the last six months. But, it's probably time to start documenting my adventures. It's cheap therapy for me and who knows, maybe some comedic relief for you.

Cheers!

Bug, Boo and Bubblegum

Two whole weeks after Bubblegum (Boo named him) was born and he has survived his brothers' pokes, pinches and squeezes. How babies survive with older siblings, I'll never know.

"Love is supposed to feel good," my mom would say to my older sister when she would hug me so tightly I would cry. Now I find myself saying the same thing to my two kids.

Little Bug is relentless and doesn't respond to words of discipline. I simply have to distract him with a shiny object and it's, "baby who?" Boo just responds with a half smile after a few cheap shots, "But I LOVE him Mommy! He's just so cute!"

Now, I completely understand the urge to squeeze Bubblegum so hard he pops. But I am an adult. Instead I smother is face with kisses and let him suck on my cheek while he's hooting for a breast. It's tricky I know, and in some cultures I am no better than my 4-year-old, but throw me a bone! I LOVE him, he is just so cute!

Bubblegum was born late on July 14 to an exhausted, but proud mommy. After one big and painful push, he was out and laying on my chest, his confused limbs involuntarily flailing. "We did it!" I told him over and over again.  With no epidural I had to visualize him working as hard as I was. If I gave up, he would have been left to do it alone. That is what kept me going, because it was HARD! During my final and most painful contraction The Hubs looked into my eyes and held my gaze. He gave me the strength I needed to finish. He said he felt helpless and all he could do was send as much positive energy my way as he could. It worked.

I don't remember Boo's labor being quite so hard, but I think we forget. Otherwise we wouldn't keep having kids!

While in a state of euphoria, I was unaware that after the nurses took my baby to swaddle him, he stopped breathing. It was only after a team of NICU nurses rushed into the room bearing medical equipment I understood what was happening. After three long minutes my tiny baby went from a dark grey to pink and started breathing again. I was grateful for my ignorance for two out of three of those minutes.

Again they placed him in my arms and he began nursing as if he had been doing it forever. It always amazes me how instinctual babies are.

We were bonded for life. 

So now, here I am with three crazy boys whom I adore. A little frightened, I approach my chaotic life with a smile and a sense of humor and an understanding that everything else in my life will be put on hold. Because what else matters, really?

Boo: "Mom, did you know back in the '90's castles and dragons and knights were really alive!?"

-------------

Boo: "Mom, when you get baptized all your senses get washed away."
Me: "Oh really? I think you mean sins, right?"
Boo: "No Mom, SENSES. My primary teacher TOLD me."

Prunes and Black beans. Who knew?

He is so goofy! He has me constantly laughing. He has a way about him that makes you remember to enjoy life. This picture is so him! He completes me.


He does this when I say, "So big!" Oooo, is it just me, or do you want to just suck on those cheeks!? With or without prunes. They're so suckable!


I just want to eat him up!!

Special Indeed.

Boo to Bug: "You are my special present."
Boo: "Mom, he is such a special present to me. I never thought I'd get such a special present as a baby!"
Looking back at Bug, speaking in a babyish tone: "You're just my special little baby present."